New year, new me!
Ok yes, everyone says that, but I honestly feel like I have transformed into an entirely new person.
This time last year I was not in a good place. Depressed and struggling with some major issues in my life. I had started working with a therapist to avoid heading down a dark path I had almost not returned from once before. And then… everything came crashing together. In case you had not heard, Immortal Alexander and I separated in early 2021 and have now moved on to the next stage of our lives as individuals instead of as a couple.
After the break-up last year- I went on a soul-searching journey. I wrote several books worth of journals pouring out my emotions and recording every upset and triumph along the way. I took the time to ruthlessly dissect my marriage, my goals in life, and myself. I listened to my heart and tried to figure out what the heck my life was going to look like now that I was, “me,” and not “we.”
A trip to New Mexico happened next. During that time I lived with my sister and had the incredible opportunity to get to know my new baby nephew. At first, I attempted to record a few YouTube videos and write a couple blog posts to explain what was going on but it was hard to look at it all, let alone voice what was going on. In the end, I let go of my stress.
I cut everything back until all that was left were my responsibilities to myself and my day job. I took time to paint without worrying how it would come out. I journaled like a med-man. Got drunk on gin and sang to the moon on cold desert nights. Got new piercings. Started feeling good in my own skin again, talked my friends’ ears off about everything, and… started dating again.
Dating. Well, dating for the 1st time in 14 years was both scary and exhilarating.
I’d never dated much as a teenager due to a complete lack of self-confidence and an unintentionally forced interest in boys. (We’ll return to that thought in a bit lol). I briefly dated a few guys in high school and had little to no luck finding a romantic connection in college- until I met my now ex-husband. He had been my 1st major relationship, which is part of why I think things didn’t work out in the end. I barely knew who I was when we met and really, I was still a kid. I was 19. 19 with strong opinions on lots of things without the experience to back those opinions up.
Over the years I was with Alexander, I learned a lot about myself but my sexuality was one of the biggest question marks. And the questions I had continued to be pushed to the back of my mind because I didn’t feel I was allowed to ask them. You can probably blame a lot of that on growing up Roman Catholic. “Gay,” wasn’t exactly an option, you know? On top of the religious upbringing, I didn’t feel it was something I could explore while respecting the monogamous relationship I was in. But there’s only so long those questions can go unasked. Once asked, those answers come- whether you’re ready for them or not.
Although my sexuality and the growing need to have it be expressed wasn’t the main reason for our separation, looking back now- it was a major one.
Am I straight? Uh.. no. I am very much not straight.
Am I Bisexual? Yeah, that feels right, but now that I’ve taken some time to explore that specific question, I think I land a lot closer to the lesbian side of things on the spectrum of bi-ness. Who knew? (My pages upon pages of drawings of sexy ladies in my sketchbooks probably should have told me something… But that’s a thought to explore at a later time.)
Anyway, back to re-entering the dating pool.
I actually went on a few dates. Briefly dated a couple of people. And may have, unintentionally, broken a few hearts.
Mostly, I met some really nice guys. Overall, I found a lot of support and understanding in re-entering the dating world after being in a long-term relationship. Although one dude… eh. I mean, if a red flag could be a person, I had drinks with that person and then made the poor decision to make out with him afterward. But even though I was comfortable around (most of) these people and enjoyed their company- it didn’t feel quite right. As I said before, I’d been questioning my sexuality for years. And it was only to myself, my ex-husband, and my closest friends that I even attempted to voice those questions. And after the, “meh?” feeling I was getting on those dates I decided, “Screw it! I’m changing my Bumble setting to only match with women, and let’s see how it goes!”
And uh well… that went a whole lot better. In fact, that was the day I matched with my girlfriend, Alix. Our 1st conversation on Bumble went so well that, 8 months later, we’re happily dating and making a new life together.
So here I am, divorced, openly and happily gay, living in Rhode Island with my amazing carpenter girlfriend and our two neurotic cats, amongst a growing jungle of house plants. It’s here after an insane year of transformation that I finally feel like I have something I can give back to the world. So, it’s time to start creating again.
Thanks for reading this little blog post, and I hope you’ll join me in this next chapter of my new gay horror made life. ❤